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من ِ بی قرار
مدتی ست خودم را پیدا نمی کنم. گم شده ام. میان دقایق و ساعت ها و روزهای کشدار و نمناک ِ زندگی راه گم کرده ام. نه مسیر را می دانم و نه مقصد را می شناسم. از رفتن خسته ام، از ماندن هم. انگار چیزی را جایی جا گذاشته باشم، سرگردانم و حیران. نمی دانم این همه دلتنگی و بی تابی ای که بر من هوار شده، برای چه و که و کجاست. انگار جایی هنوز پرونده ای باز مانده، کاری بی سامان افتاده یا قسمتی از من جا مانده و همراهم نیامده. نمی توانم تکه های وجودم را کنار هم بچینم و ببینم این آدمی که درون من نفس می کشد کیست و چه می خواهد. کجا می خواد برود و قرار است گره از کدام مشکل باز کند. شاید هم سرنوشتش نشستن کنار پنجره و نظاره کردن باشد ولی این را هم نمی دانم. نمی گوید. حرف نمی زند. نمی نویسد. مرا از این گیجی درنمی آورد. خودم را نمی شناسم. "من" غریبه شده. نمی فهممش. چیزی کم است. چیزی جایی گم شده که نمی دانم چیست. این حجم ِ نفس گیر ِ ندانستن و تردید دارد خفه ام می کند.
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Comments
It's gonna pass. Just give it time. It happens to me sometimes and after a while every thing is O.K. once again.
maya | January 10, 2008 4:50 PM
Maybe you have traveled too much in the past two years. It might just be the need to settle down and have a firmer grip of what you can call home. Do you have a good routine in life? Things that are personally important to you and you routinely put time into doing and improving them? For me that includes my workouts, my weightloss group, Paziresh, cats... Do you have that?
Depth: Anar joon I guess you’re right. I’ve traveled and moved too much. Immigration has serious impact on migrant’s life and I migrated three times in just two years.
No, I have never had a routine in my whole life and I was happy with that. I don’t understand myself these days…
anar | January 10, 2008 7:12 PM
You don't have to have a routine in its literal meaning...but you have to have things that are solely important to you and help your sense of self and doing them will mean "me time" to you. If you have couple of tasks like that regularly in your life it helps you rebound faster from other uncertainties that are inevitable in life. For example I clearly remember that you used to work out regularly in Australia and you probably had a healthy life style. Exercise, apart from its obvious health reasons, is registered as a self-nurturing time in our brain and therefore has a great effect on boosting ones mood and confidence if done regularly. You were also a student...student life by definition is a structured life. You have a routine of classes which you work around it...see? So you did have routine and it was actually so good that you didn't feel it!:)
Depth: You are absolutely right Anar joon. I had no “me time” during last 5 or 6 months. So many things have changed in my life at the same time. No exercise, no healthy diet, no study for the first time in my life, the mental pressure of finding the right job …
anar | January 11, 2008 3:23 AM
دنیا زشتی کم ندارد ، زشتیهای دنیا بیشتر بود اگر آدمی بر آنها دیده بسته بود، اما آدمی چاره ساز است. . . (فروغ فرخزاد)
sima | January 12, 2008 6:37 AM